“Life isn’t fair. No matter how or what life throws at you, never give up and look forward.”
What’s life back then
It’s scary to think back about how my life has changed in such a few short years. I used to be this bubbly social butterfly and loved to go out with my friends and just have an amazing time. I had views about how the world was and dreams in what I wanted to be in my life. I look back and I hate myself for losing that person, to lose the core essence of who I was, but life throws you hurdles and for me, it felt more like a marathon with obstacles that I wouldn’t be able to get to the finish line.
Depression never chooses its victims
Depression hits the best of us and it does not discriminate on who the next victim is going to be. Of course, it was hard to open up about it as well, because who would believe that the bubble girl who lived life to the fullest will be suffering from depression. To fully understand what I went through you would need to understand my story and what got me to the darkest point in my life and then how today, day by day I am finally able to say I am okay, not everyday but most days.
Losing my bestfriend
I was 21, and sitting in my second last exam for my degree, I was excited it was my best friends birthday on the weekend and we were going to finalize the plans. I finished my exam and looked at my phone. I had 16 missed calls most from my mother. She knew I had exams so I didn’t quite understand why she would call me. I walked to the front of the campus and had a few of my friends come to pick me up, I thought this was strange, I mean why would four of my friends come and pick me up. When I got home, where everyone was, if I didn’t realize until then something was wrong, the mood in my living room was enough to give it all away. Long story short, my best friend was killed in a motorbike accident, a car hit him and he died on impact.
It was something I just couldn’t believe or come to terms with, I mean how could he die, he was invincible, he was like my big brother, my protector, how could he be just gone. It was like darkness just fell upon me, there was no light, no sun just darkness. We were inseparable and I blamed myself, if he was to come and pick me up he would have been driving his car and not his bike and this never would have happened. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I finished my degree but there was never joy behind my graduation. He was meant to be there, how could I celebrate something without having him there to celebrate with me.
Never expected to happen- Life isn’t fair
I then started to see a guy, I thought if I could fill the hole that I had in my heart by falling in love with someone else. Things were great the first few months and then all of a sudden, he started to separate me from my friends and family. Making me think I had no one I can turn to talk to with how I felt, then started the physical abuse. If I thought that I was in a dark place, I ended up in a darker place now. This went on for 2 years none stop, him coming home and not knowing if he was in a good mood or bad, it was unpredictable, I became scared.
Mustering the courage to go forward
Then the fateful day happened, the day I left him, my brother in law came over to collect a couple of things of his he left at the house and walked in on me about to get another beating. He collected my things and me and I lived with my sister and brother in law for a few weeks until my mother got back from her holiday.
It took me a long time to be able to go out again, and it was hard to explain to anyone what I was going through, not even my family could understand as well, they never really knew the extent of the abuse. I told my family I had to live elsewhere to get away from my home city, so I moved across the country working for two years.
The girl I used to be is gone
I was slowly getting better, though I felt alone, I had no one to talk to, no family, I didn’t want to go see a professional either, the thought of talking to a complete stranger about my problems was not something that I thought I needed. Then my contract for work expired and I moved back home. I was a little bit better, not as afraid, I was able to go through my day to day tasks, but the girl that I used to be was gone and there was no chance I could get her back. I smiled, I talked with people if I had to, but no one could see past my wall I had up.
Then I went to a work function that was held by the company that my mother worked for.
Someone who could see the real me
I meet a guy there that we got talking about the way that we were both brought up in Australia with a very traditional family, and what that was like. The next day we went for coffee on our own and he asked me “So why do you have a wall up? What are you hiding?” It shocked me, I mean how could this guy that never knew me prior pick up on something that people who knew me for years could not even pick it up. It was amazing, to be able to sit and talk to someone who could see the real me. I told him my whole story what I was like before, and what lead to me suffering in darkness now.
Fulfilling my dreams in life
I wouldn’t say that I am healed and not still suffering from depression. However, I can say that I am better and knowing that I have a friend, a future life partner by my side. Understanding and supporting me through this by helping me in getting closer to how I used to be. I will never say that I will completely be the girl I was before, what I have been through changed me in ways I never believe it would. However, I am not scared of the world anymore and have started aiming to fulfill my life dreams again.