Story and experience with my first panic attack
My week was really stressful due to everything.
Everything was just getting into me; Work, my family, friends and even my boyfriend.
I mean I was sure I love him but just something isn’t right and today I can’t figure it out.
Is it that I can’t stand the way he talks or walk or am I going through my PMS?
No, it can’t be, I just had my period but this feeling inside me its been going for a while now.
We have been together for three years and sex life has been rather awful for him.
I’m not denying it but I can’t help that I lack sexual desire towards him.
I literally have forgotten the appetite of sex that I used to have.
I would have to force myself into it and then he complains that he senses the changes and I couldn’t stand his reaction thus I started to hate him even more.
I feel like he isn’t attractive and I gradually felt mentally ill every time I think about him and sex.
He says he loves me and all; continues living his dream that are so irrational, splotchy on a contrary, and call it bullshit from one end to another.
I want to install a TV rail that goes throughout the house.
I mean what the fuck, to the next I wanna be a mechanic and never completes his resolution.
He lives on the doll and he’s too afraid to work extra hours because he fears that the tax will take out a great sum.
Inside me boils very much; he is so fucking lazy, unintelligent and whats worse, he thinks highly the importance of himself and often wonders and complains why no one ever honors or respects him.
I mean I could be so critical but I absolutely hate it when a shallow guy of a big fucking head speaks of his low primitive mind, no understanding to distinguish or how to speak or imply the levels of society.
He speaks with a lofty confidence and yet his knowledge is far remotely limited.
I would often have sympathy for him, pity for my weakness.
My family always tell me that he isn’t good enough for me.
I finally realize I need to somehow get out of it.
But how? He is disgusting.
Why am I his partner?
Is this all I can ever get?
I feel like screaming I’m lost.
My first panic attack!
My very first panic attack was when he and I went into the shopping center.
We weren’t arguing we were just a dead couple.
I didn’t feel like I could walk next to him, he is gross.
Skinny like a pedophile and a rapist’s face. Ew.
My friends call him Mr. Burns from the Simpson. Oh, my god, this is so true.
Ok, I really can’t be next to him. My mind is playing up but we had to buy grocery food. All of a sudden he goes; “My angel I want to make you a meat pie for dinner.”
I looked at him blankly and everything suddenly went through my mind.
My friends hate him ever since we both attend to her birthday dinner; he couldn’t hold a normal conversation and they laughed at him as if he was a retard.
How humiliating I am actually his partner!
My family can’t stand him and always tells me I could do so much better.
I started to shake how do I snap out of this.
Having symptoms of feeling nauseous and worse, I feel throwing up.
I’m sweating, my mouth is trembling, my heart is beating faster.
I can hear my breathing, it’s getting heavier and louder like I’m panting from a marathon run.
I’m shaking, couldn’t even talk or even say I need the restroom, but I need the restroom now.
I just took off, left him and his stupid fucking meat pie idea there.
I walked straight to the corner; there’s the restroom, I found my self a toilet to lock in.
I’m lost in my mind, reoccurring the word I lost over and over again.
I’m so lost.
Shaking as I sat down to piss and I can’t even piss although my gut is wrenching hard.
My face grew hot, the swelling of my eyes became all watery and then the hot steam of tears leaking out like a heavy rain of a full tank.
Shaking rapidly and unstable I’m breaking, so heavily.
Who do I turn to; there is just myself, there is no one except him I don’t want him.
I can’t find my self. I am too useless to be seen.
I’m a fucking tool no one would even wanna know why I’m me.
It was the worse feeling of my panic attack.
I got sick in the stomach, my mind was as if it was locked to one and only belief that I was useless.
My body was out of control; the shaking and the temperature of sweat cold fever started to rise rapidly, I felt very nauseous I wanted to vomit; but all I could do is shake and cry.
In the end, I left him.
From that day on I never regret.
I finally realized I never loved him.
I thought I wasn’t good enough and that he was the only guy for me.
Nevertheless, with help from my family and close friends they made me who I became today.
I came out of my shell and I found the real love that is incomparable, It was what love was nothing like before.
My experience of panic attack symptoms has never occurred or come back again.
Believe me, if you feel anxiety don’t stay this way, it is a sign that your body is reacting to fear of negative symptoms such as; a continuous repetition thinking pattern of one subject.
Your mind starts to freak out, your body shakes and to sweat.
If this happens to you; do something about it with your action, don’t feel afraid to seek support from someone you can trust and don’t look back.