living with anxiety


I lived with my parent in the heart of town. Life was going great I was sincere and satisfied as everything was running smoothly. I had great goals and dreams yet to accomplish; at this stage in life I was transiting onto the next chapter of the new beginning of being a young adult.
My parents were good parents, they taught me how to respect others and to choose the harder lessons for my future. They wanted me to live at home and save money, cook and clean as any other householders would. Dad wasn’t as strict as I would of thought but when it comes down to me having a relationship he is thoroughly harsh; he would expects my boyfriend to greet the parents, always to have the basic education of being respectful and so on, but on the other hand; he was also a soft heart, kind and easy going father. He would often give me money when ever I ask, without questioning. Dad and I also had our dreams to open our cafe at our house. We were not financially stabled but we managed to get through it just head above water. My mother on the other hand was my best friend I could share every details of my emotions and she was always besides me. She stood her ground when I made wrong decisions and can be strict at times. No doubt I had confidence with my secured life and haven’t suffered the depression or anxiety until one day  I woke up suddenly everything hit me in the face and suffered the things that I had to go through when the time was troubled.

Before I go into depth of my trial times of hard given anxiety and depression, let me tell you a bit more about my life personally. During my adolescent times I remember every weekend I would have my good friend over to go out clubbing. We found a very nice club that suited for both of us. We used to predrink at my place as I lived close to the city and then hit the club. This particular club was catering down stair all Asians and of course we would find a few whites. Upstairs had the R&B music so there’s the blacks. We always used to have a ball till the next morning. One night I was dancing but I don’t really remember how I was dancing, a bit too busy in the lala world and I  noticed this shy look of a dark shinny sleek hair, mean small eyes, Ben Stiller kind of look in about a middle height standing around the corner, starring at me as I didn’t care as a free bird and flirted away. He walked up to me and said “Was this ass shaking for me?”, “Yes” I replied and that’s how I meet him, and nothing personal as we trade our numbers.
After a few dates I would make him wait till I was ready he seems to be so keen onto me but I didn’t feel it as though it was love but everything was magical, I was one happy little girl. From then on it went well I finally introduce him to my parents and they thought he was the generous one. He proved himself a worthy hard worker, respectful, smart, clean, you name it with a similar background as myself. We have continued being in the relationship as a couple.

Every weekend dad would often give me a driving lesson to visit my boyfriend at his fathers house where he would be doing labor work; building houses among with his brothers and most night he would be over at my house till the next morning. I thought everything was perfect and this pattern of life continued for three years until I started to wonder what will happen next? The more I ask him what does he wants in his life, it doesn’t seems to go anywhere. He looked as if he is happy to continue living by day giving me full of hopes and surprises. He had a great job as an accountant, he was popular with many friends just what any girls would dream of until things gotten worse.

He had trust issues; Yes I remember from the very start of how we met, he warned me that he couldn’t trust no one not even his own brothers but I never took it personally as I thought the trust issues wasn’t too important in my life. But it started to affect on our relationship and gotten worse and worse until everyday going to work it became a real struggle.

He would text me every three minutes to make sure I response as soon as I get a text and how I would reply determines how his day would turn out to be. I wasn’t allowed to have my lunch break out at a cafe, he thought it means I’ll be checking out guys walking pass. Right I did get frustrated at some point and maybe I was naive at the time of my young love, I didn’t really pay too much of attention to his sickening mental obesity. So I started to rebel a bit; flirted with some of my old aquatints friend that popped up on Facebook messenger, yes I met him once the day we traded our face book contact and he meant nothing to me. I would only reply when I felt down with frustration and anger because of the frequent arguments we started to have but that didn’t mean I planned to initiate on leading the other guy on.

From that day on my anxiety came into play, I was frighten as my boyfriend is now not the boyfriend I once loved. The caring, loving humble man; he turned out to be the scariest thing in my life. Petrified as if I would be questioned about my past life as he started to keep records of my telling tales of truth. He had asked me the list of questions such as; when did I meet this guy, how long have I known him, what month did I meet him, how many times have I met him etc… the next few weeks he visits me; its already the interrogation time. He pulled out his phone and ask me the same questions. Nevertheless he had saved my previous answers in his phone, so of cause I started to shake and stutter. My mind is rapidly going faster I need to make sure all of my answers are one hundred percent correct. Oh boy I don’t remember what day of the month I met him. I made it up in all honesty because I didn’t care less of him to remember this part. My answers to the judge didn’t please him too much, and I never got to see his smiling eyes and mouth again, he has changed. He became detached to me, it was no longer him anymore with his cold, short and sharp answers to my reply as if there was no life in him. He never looked at me like he used to with his sharp, deepness eye of a meek has turned into somewhat a dark evil eye killer. The touch of our spark of love was gone as if it never existed. My feeling grew more mixed with confusions of emotions of what I used to know; him as a great person and my best friend. I was only getting more heart broken, fragile and sad. My body started to shake in fear of anxiousness and it grew worse and worse I felt like throwing up, I have come to a term of a break up. I couldn’t understand why everything was going great has turned over; he is a different person. I have regret it a hundredth times wishing that life could go back and change the simplest error. Yet I have never cheated, felt like I’ve committed a crime. It was too late; he has already became harsh, cold and unforgivable.

Time went on as I wept trying to deal with the break up and during the mean time, my father woke up with a stroke. Words could not describe the heart ache for my family and myself. It took a long time to forget my issues also to stay strong to support my father in hospital. The feeling of being the lost and broken soul was tremendously torturing; I just wanted to end my life right here. Pinching my skin to feel it real and feel more pain like life was at the end of the road, I couldn’t see the possibility to turn it around and be happy again.
I remember I’d lock myself in the bedroom sitting against the wall of my bed desperate for something relieving, I tried to smoke some weed that I found in the draw. I remember shaking and crying heavily, grabbing the cigarette trying to lite up the fire I took one big breathe and coughed up but inhalating it once more, breathing out was a relaxation and calming to my mind. My breathing gotten slower and the heavy flow of tears keep on streaming until I felt paralyzed and numb and all I could do is stare to the walls for hours.

The anxiety took me to another whole level I couldn’t sleep anymore. I tried so many methods of trying to sleep in a normal pattern again but it didn’t work. I woke up at four am to walk in the middle of the cold crispy dark morning to the gym and do my early six am class before work. This was one of the best methods I’ve ever done in my hardest critical times of my life. It gave me strength by the feeling of the cold lonely air, the thrill of the dark night with the starling light in the unlimited black sky. My adrenaline rushing through my veins; I was almost so excited like I’m on a surreal secret adventure. There was no one except me in my thick vest jacket dashing through the coldness reaching to the gym. It was fun and it helped me through my anxiety and depression.
I also prayed a lot to my god Jehovah to help me get through my weakness which healed me in many ways, it gave strength. I had support from my family and eventually, after healing of times, I got better and stronger. Most of my friends were there with full attention and support which I thank them otherwise I would not be the same as I once used to be. My aim and focus were to concentrate on something positive and that helped me to move on such as; work on my new goals like travel to Europe, go out more often etc.

One day there stood a young man; a tall, fair skinned, attractive with kind eyes, and with a warm vibe it had drawn to my attention while I was sitting at a cafe alone. I was afraid of getting to know someone new I did not believe I could fall in love again but he was  somewhat more attractive to my liking. The personality was rather humble and calm, he was a great listener, with his confidence he allowed himself to show how much he could help and respect me as who I am as a person. We started to get to know each other and eventually he blew me off my feet and I fell in love again. I am now married to him, a guy from Serbia and I can not explain how happy I am. Through all my hardship experience of anxiety and depression it has taught me a lesson; you either carry the burden or just let it go and move forward in life. We are able to make choices the good or the bad. It is somewhat scary but sometimes letting it go has to be the best thing to do otherwise you would never be the same happy person you once were before.

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